Settling in..

It was annoying the first week, sad the second and weirdly calm the third week. The paranoia of not being able to make it through this period of isolation.

I rearranged my room twice in the past two weeks and the work still continues. Rearranged the photographs on the wooden board and scavenged through the old writings I have collected over the years. Using nostalgia and eating endlessly to pass time was a good idea until I realized it did not help me overcome the blockage of movement in fresh air, spending time walking by myself and getting hold of that moment of relief when I would lie down on my bed or rest on the chair after a day of heavy work.

What I realized as I stepped into this week was I was okay being at home. Did I miss inhaling and exhaling the partially polluted packets of air molecules? Sure! But I had adapted being at home much faster than I thought I would. I found at least an hour for myself every day and did really nothing in those moments.

I had not experienced this freedom for a very long time. It is surreal !

While I spent the first two weeks rewiring my schedule to match partially with my family’s that is away from me and partly with my current time zone, I was collapsing all of the the moments into nothing. By the end of the second week as I had my (to be morning) tea at  12 in the noon, I realised I was spiraling down.

I had to move on from the coldness of isolation. While I was having frequent phone calls and Skype sessions with friends and family but the fact that I was not able to move outside, visit the church or running to my favourite craft store was just a nightmare. I decided to take it step by step and let myself feel the hole that was left with the restriction of movement had created.

Well, I didn’t really do anything. Thought of it and then went back to sipping back my now lukewarm tea. I spent two more days in the gloom and realized I had become ignorant even towards the most crucial tasks in the bid, if not ignore I was definitely procrastinating it. Fear of losing control over myself started creeping in. I spent a good three hours letting fear take control over me and lay in bed.

The next day I woke up, brushed my teeth and headed to the kitchen counter to make a cup of tea. Sat by myself for a good half an hour and revised the tasks I had to do and started my day by ticking off one task after another.

Two days later, I had a schedule for myself, starting with an exclusive time with myself at the start of the day. It is a treasure! I had started to settle in with the idea of being disconnected and yet having much more strengthened bonds.

This isolation period has definitely guided me to things I had lost in the past few years – to be both a child and an old woman and to enjoy every day with every passing moment !